Picking up the pieces

As you have seen lately I have not been keeping up with my blog. Many joyful things have taken my attention and my mind was on cloud nine. My emotions were so high that I thought there was no way down. I now stand corrected. I have written blogs in the past that have come from the heat of the moment...when I'm pissed off, upset or when I'm in love or "think" I am in love. All have been without thought and this blog is no exception.

It has taken me years to build up a wall around my emotions to protect myself and my heart. I vowed that I would never again put myself in a situation where I would or could get hurt and have my emotions trampled upon. That was until I met someone recently. I took a risk. I fell in love.

Like a fast moving train we did not have any breaks, running free and wild and being teenagers again. The conversations we had made our hearts skip beats, the feeling of being complete was amazing. The fortress I built up around myself slowly crumbled down, it had fallen down around me even without me knowing and I felt so free the safety I got when he wrapped his arms around me was amazing, the only sound was his heartbeat, the birds stopped singing, and the wind stopped blowing; it was total bliss. Our plans of the future would bring a smile to anyone face, things we said we would never do (like marriage) that changed, it felt so right with him and he said the same ~drifts of day dreaming~ so perfect, trains both on the same track, guess it was then when he hit the wall.

I let my defenses down and now this! I am picking up pieces of a broken heart. Why you ask? What happened? I have no clue and if I knew I could deal with it I would put closure to it. That is what us females do and what we need.

No words in days then an e-mail, saying how he knows he has hurt me and that I made him see sides of him that he never knew he had. That I "let" him fall in love with me. I showed him feelings he never knew existed. Now you would think that is all good, correct? ~drum roll~ there is always a BUT and here it is. He can never give me what I crave. ( I do not know what I crave, only him hmm) that he cannot be there when I need him most as his job makes him travel a lot. He said that I deserve to have a man who is more with me than away from me. To have someone home longer than packing packing and unpacking suitcases. Finishing the email he says "you really do not know how much I love you. I have never met someone like you and if the time and place were different...But thinking of you alone, missing, hurting maybe will be a bit too much to bear.

I read the email, I did not cry, I did not laugh, I did nothing, I was in shock, I have no clue what happened I just, I just, I just do not know, I mean, I, it, we, I, I do not know.

I started getting a little mad, I talked to my two closest friends who know everything about me, I could not believe after all the talking, and communication and openness we had. I got the email I did it is not registering in my head and I am not a stupid female!

In the beginning I knew his work, he traveled a lot, I do too sometimes. God did I come across needy? Well if so, he is wrong, I have so much love I want to give and it seems I am to bottle it up again and there is no way I will let that wall down again.

Only two people who know who I am read this and also the person this post is about, truth is I do not want to let go of him. Yes you. I want you. You have not changed since I met you. Your job is the same, your heart is the same, your smile, your affection, your words still go straight to my heart, so why?

I could not put my feelings into words but one of my friends could, I had this email ready to send but I just could not send it though it says most things I wanted to say so here it is.

Dear ....
Thank you for making my decisions for me. While I appreciate your efforts, I do not need any man deciding what is best for me and my life.
I am a grown woman and I am more than capable in deciding what I want and need from a relationship. Who is to say that I want a relationship where I have a man 7 days a week and 24 hours a day?
However, as I stated, I do appreciate your taking the time to call the shots for me, however it will not be necessary in the future. I wish you all the success and luck in the world in finding who and what you want out of life.

Sincerely,
A woman completely able to decide her own life's choices!

I know that I don't have everything precisely planned out in my life. No one does. My life may not run as a smooth oiled machine at this point in time but I have it under control. I am taking my life in the directions that I want. I am making changes in who I am and who I want to be. I am strong, independent, and successful and I am learning to love me and all that I have to offer this world. I am more than just my emotions and I am more than just the words written on this page. The day will come when someone will see that and jump at the chance to experience all that I have to offer. One man's loss is most definitely another man's gain!

I am ME and nothing will ever change that.