Another week

**Again so it does not bring you down the shit these sub missives put me through this blog has been removed but with a word of caution, I maybe a Dominant bitch in more then 1 way that does not give you the right to play with my heart and and treat me like a fool, only to crush my feelings and heart like a bug, being a Dominant does not mean I do not have feelings**

T'is the season

T'is the season to be jolly fa-lalala la la la la.
pff fuck that!
It is the season to make a fool of yourself and to sit back and wonder when there hell the last year has gone! My last year has been flushed down the toilet and it is time to get the next year in order! Yes this next year I am going to sit down and write a plan and stick to it! On the list is going to be only things I can control.
There are twelve months in a year and I am going to have things on the list that I can work on over the year but by the end of two thousand and eight I would have finished them all!
So here is the list.

1.Lose the rest of my weight and run the marathon in September
2. Get a nine til five job with no stress even if it is in a supermarket
2a, or hire someone to do most of my work, even better retire.
3. Get pregnant! (this may just be a solution also to number two be a stay at home mother)
4. Have a vacation I have not had one for over ten years, maybe to see my family as it has been well over ten years since I seen them
5. Buy a new house or apartment
6. Renovate the rest of my house
7. Make as many people as I can happy and fulfill some dreams of friends
8. At least double my stiletto collection it has to be between the one and two hundred by the end of two thousand and eight
9. Write a list of at least one hundred things to do before I die and start doing it.
10. Spend more time on my hobbies to sell for people in need
11. Remember myself and that sometimes I have to be selfish for self preservation
12. Get out more to the theater, concerts and parties.

This is the list, maybe I change it over the next few weeks though I am thinking I better start at number twelve and work my way up as many of the things will be some what hard if I am pregnant, lets see how this cookie crumbles!

A man and his bills

**Due what I have written on this post and the emotions it brings up in my I have taken it offline**

Really?

Here I am Sunday morning trying to get some paperwork done before a dinner party tonight and out of the blue I get a message on my MSN "Oh I want to see your tits, I am jerking off just thinking about them" Needless to say I messaged them back to say "piss off."
This person I had known for some time and never have they been so rude or have we even talked about anything along the lines of sex!
"Oh let me see your tits"
"Oh I am so horny"
"Tell me the last time you fingered yourself"
Usually I would welcome any chat to distract me from work, this chat was just not one of them, he was trying to make a date to "see me." In all its boredom and him not understanding the word "no" or "piss off" I made the comment "Well there is no use telling you to go fuck yourself as you obviously are" then the block and delete button come to my rescue.
I am a warm hot blooded woman but please chat me up and flatter me all other methods are useless and feeble and as we all know the truth is that nothing will happen unless we want it to, we being the female!!!!

heros and sluts

I have been thinking lately over a comment made a few days ago by a male over a business lunch, it was along the lines of how he was seeing a lady but he called her a slut because she was sleeping with more then one male, yet he is married and also has two mistress's and the other men at the lunch called him a hero a stud.
They turned to me, being the only female at the table and asked me on my thoughts, seeing one of the people at the table was also the gentleman asking why I owned such a compact car and I said I did not have to prove my penis size I answered with a grin on my face.
" I am a hero, a stud as I do not fit into the vision of this male dominated culture who by the way are/is very insecure for in your hearts you know females are superior then you and you try to limit us females by creating a social disapproval, so back to you slut, how is it with your two hero's you sleep without outside your marriage?"
Ahh there was silence at the table then the subject moved onto the weather for sometime until one brave soul asked me "Veiled, how much of a hero are you?" It was a dinner of eye opening conversation.
Why you males have to call a female a slut because she may sleep with more then one male I do not know, is it because she is not wanting you also ? I think it is a perverted way of men to have emotional superiority over a woman.
I have had my nights/days or passion and yes also sex with more then one person, I am not a slut, I just know what I want and need.

Picking up the pieces

As you have seen lately I have not been keeping up with my blog. Many joyful things have taken my attention and my mind was on cloud nine. My emotions were so high that I thought there was no way down. I now stand corrected. I have written blogs in the past that have come from the heat of the moment...when I'm pissed off, upset or when I'm in love or "think" I am in love. All have been without thought and this blog is no exception.

It has taken me years to build up a wall around my emotions to protect myself and my heart. I vowed that I would never again put myself in a situation where I would or could get hurt and have my emotions trampled upon. That was until I met someone recently. I took a risk. I fell in love.

Like a fast moving train we did not have any breaks, running free and wild and being teenagers again. The conversations we had made our hearts skip beats, the feeling of being complete was amazing. The fortress I built up around myself slowly crumbled down, it had fallen down around me even without me knowing and I felt so free the safety I got when he wrapped his arms around me was amazing, the only sound was his heartbeat, the birds stopped singing, and the wind stopped blowing; it was total bliss. Our plans of the future would bring a smile to anyone face, things we said we would never do (like marriage) that changed, it felt so right with him and he said the same ~drifts of day dreaming~ so perfect, trains both on the same track, guess it was then when he hit the wall.

I let my defenses down and now this! I am picking up pieces of a broken heart. Why you ask? What happened? I have no clue and if I knew I could deal with it I would put closure to it. That is what us females do and what we need.

No words in days then an e-mail, saying how he knows he has hurt me and that I made him see sides of him that he never knew he had. That I "let" him fall in love with me. I showed him feelings he never knew existed. Now you would think that is all good, correct? ~drum roll~ there is always a BUT and here it is. He can never give me what I crave. ( I do not know what I crave, only him hmm) that he cannot be there when I need him most as his job makes him travel a lot. He said that I deserve to have a man who is more with me than away from me. To have someone home longer than packing packing and unpacking suitcases. Finishing the email he says "you really do not know how much I love you. I have never met someone like you and if the time and place were different...But thinking of you alone, missing, hurting maybe will be a bit too much to bear.

I read the email, I did not cry, I did not laugh, I did nothing, I was in shock, I have no clue what happened I just, I just, I just do not know, I mean, I, it, we, I, I do not know.

I started getting a little mad, I talked to my two closest friends who know everything about me, I could not believe after all the talking, and communication and openness we had. I got the email I did it is not registering in my head and I am not a stupid female!

In the beginning I knew his work, he traveled a lot, I do too sometimes. God did I come across needy? Well if so, he is wrong, I have so much love I want to give and it seems I am to bottle it up again and there is no way I will let that wall down again.

Only two people who know who I am read this and also the person this post is about, truth is I do not want to let go of him. Yes you. I want you. You have not changed since I met you. Your job is the same, your heart is the same, your smile, your affection, your words still go straight to my heart, so why?

I could not put my feelings into words but one of my friends could, I had this email ready to send but I just could not send it though it says most things I wanted to say so here it is.

Dear ....
Thank you for making my decisions for me. While I appreciate your efforts, I do not need any man deciding what is best for me and my life.
I am a grown woman and I am more than capable in deciding what I want and need from a relationship. Who is to say that I want a relationship where I have a man 7 days a week and 24 hours a day?
However, as I stated, I do appreciate your taking the time to call the shots for me, however it will not be necessary in the future. I wish you all the success and luck in the world in finding who and what you want out of life.

Sincerely,
A woman completely able to decide her own life's choices!

I know that I don't have everything precisely planned out in my life. No one does. My life may not run as a smooth oiled machine at this point in time but I have it under control. I am taking my life in the directions that I want. I am making changes in who I am and who I want to be. I am strong, independent, and successful and I am learning to love me and all that I have to offer this world. I am more than just my emotions and I am more than just the words written on this page. The day will come when someone will see that and jump at the chance to experience all that I have to offer. One man's loss is most definitely another man's gain!

I am ME and nothing will ever change that.

Lord help you

The male species never stops amazing me with their total stupidity, Ok there are a few exceptions to the rules.
I was dressed in a nice casual way, jeans a nice blouse and my stilettos (goes without saying) I went to pick up a lovely young lady of eight years old and she dragged me to a Christmas market of her local school. It is a small village and very religious, So religious that when I walk near any water there it starts boiling as I think they have only holy water running through the village.
Getting dragged by the child through all the crafts they had made I forked out money to buy most of the things she made and also things she wanted to buy, people looking down their nose at me, I think it is the stilettos they seem to me a sign of being a slut, sure it is written in the bible that way.
I watch the children play as I sipped on a glass of warm chocolate milk every now and then I had to smell under my arms to see if that was the reason people kept their distance, I had many looks, you know the look, the "I'm-not-looking-at-you-obvious-look" in such a small village everyone knows everyone and I was a new face and I promise you it will not be the last time they see me!
I stayed with child for at least an hour and was introduced to just about everyone she was so proud of me and happy I was there. Playing tag with the children in stilettos was a new experience but it was a lot of fun, then playing statues, oh the things I do for children, I just wait to have three or four of my own. When I was finished playing I informed the young lady we were going to leave in five minutes, all of a sudden it was like moths to light, the fathers went to the group of children, I thought it was so sweet that the fathers were going to play as well and not be like sticks in the mud huddling around the open fire because it was below zero I was totally wrong.
On leaving the young lady I was with looked at me and giggles I asked her what was so funny and she handed me a whole handful of papers " These are for you" I opened them and I could not believe my eyes, phone numbers and not just one, the young lady I was with said to me while looking at me with her deep innocent eyes, " Are you allowed to date and marry more then one person?" I informed her no and she continued to tell me that all the fathers that gave her the numbers live together with the mother of her friends, in other words married and under one roof.
In this small village this Sunday I think there is going to be a lot of hail Mary's said and I am wondering what to do with these numbers, it crossed my mind to go to the next market at the school and personally hand their phone numbers back I just "pray" their wives are not close by.
Ok I was flattered but to stop being a spineless species and do not involve a child, you want to break your marriage vowels you said "in front of the lord" do not involve an innocent child in the equation by giving the letters and phone Numbers to them.

D Day update

It seems a month since I last posted things have been so busy so you can just imagine the updates I have got for you over the next few days/weeks.
I thought it would be best to get the D Day update out of the way. As most readers know there has been so slight issues with BD, One he is a pompas arse and Two, he is a pompas arse As said in an earlier post we had a date, that date was last night and it was very entertaining.
Seven in the evening by his house to get him then a drive into the city, on the way to the venue there was a comment made of there my smile and fun feeling flew out the window, I am unsure of the comment I know it pissed me off and I let BD know it was not appreciated, four lanes of traffic we were travelling in the second lane and I come to a screeching stop, do not piss me off if I am the driver, he tried to cover up the comment to make a joke of it, I drove on after some time and when in the city he started again, talk about know how to piss of a hormonal female!
A short walk to the venue things changed somewhat, all of a sudden I was getting attention, We went to a concert everyone dressed in ripped jeans and t-shirts with their gym shoes, I do not own any old jeans and the t-shirts I do have I wear to the gym with gym shoes but there is no way I will be seen in that kind of clothing in a public place outside of the gym let alone a concert!
The band come on stage my heart raced having a drink in my hand I was unable to clap so finger in the mouth to whistle, yes this lady can whistle, dancing in my little space at the front of the stage, stilettos, NICE jeans, a lovely top, a thin scarf, I stood out somewhat and got attention when BD noticed it he turned in the dog he is and had to piss on his territory, A lovely gentleman come up to dance with me but he was shoo shooed away.
I enjoyed the band I danced and rocked all night and the attention was welcomed but above all the best thing of the night was knowing BD wanted me and I slammed the door in his face. I told him about BB and how we are dating (update on next post) yet BD still tried to kiss me when I dropped him off home.
~grins~ I left out all the good details all for good reason, next time if you return you shall find it out.

Help needed!

Recently I do not know if I have been busy or just not interested in "things." All my times has been is work, stressing and the gym to get the stress out, I have not even had the mindset to flirt, to mess up some minds which is really not like me. If I look deep down I know the reason why, actually it is not even deep down it is right here! sitting on top of my heart and I shall share it with you.
A good friend of mine, also a female working in a mans world. I have businessmen to deal with, she has scientist and professors to deal with, at least if needed I can walk all over the males I know, I can only imagine what she has to get through to control them, though being very feminine females we do have our ways!
Last week my friend was away for the week in a conference, dealing with the long days, the drinks and the males, I was free a lot of the week sitting at home pining over someone and it seems she was also. You see my friend and I have pretty much given up on finding "the one" who makes our hearts skip a beat, who make us feel like the princess's we are. We have our little "side kicks" though nothing concrete as it means we might have to let down our defensive walls and trust people, both being hurt before we are not planning on doing that journey anytime soon.
My days were filled with my heart having an irregular beat, my thoughts all up in the air unable to think straight, it was a lucky thing I didn't have to work, I even checked my email so often, not that it made email turn up any faster. This is why, BB, that is who it is all about BB, he was away in Paris, the city of love and he did not know he had my love, he did not know he has this affect on me, why didn't I tell him? why didn't I come up with an excuse to go also? Good heavens what is happening to me ?
I think it is something in the air, during the meetings my friend was in she had times to message me and she has also lost her head, it seems Mr P has given her the bug as well, she can not focus she is pulling her lovely hair out! we both are.
The advantage I have over my friend is that I have spent a lovely, relaxing afternoon with BB and she has not had that chance with Mr P at the moment.
Now I get to let out a few things. BB it just amazing, he makes me lose my head, I can not get him out of my head, he is a gentleman, within the few hours we were together I felt so amazing he put me at ease yet lifted me on a pedestal, I have never felt so complete, he makes me feel like a giggling little school girl and to put the cherry on top he wears a suit most times and is a great kisser!
I have really lost myself and I am finding it so hard to keep my defenses up, I am slowly letting the drawbridge down and that is all new to me and I do not know what I am meant to do now, how am I meant to act? how do I keep protecting myself if I am letting someone slowly chip away at the brick wall? I am a giver, a care taker but I never let anyone get to close not ever.
I guess I need to sit back and try to relax as much as I can, maybe it is time I made it to the gym everyday to get all this frustration out that BB is not in my arms everyday, goodness me I even "half" joked at marriage today and he did also! this is crazy, insane I have lost my head! totally lost my head! As my friend said "We have lost the only braincell that worked and rationalized things" we are both in the same boat going up the same river we just hope there is no waterfall ahead that we fall down!

Clarity

The last five days have been very busy not only with work but with things in my head also. We all know now about BD and the carrot that has been dangled in front of me on some occasions, being blind I reached for it, now things have become so very crystal clear and there will not be a relapse.
It is funny how you can get caught up on things and see things that are really not there, as a wise person once said to me, There are three sides to a story, yours, theirs and the truth. I found the middle ground, I found the truth, It is eye opening and reality gripping, makes you sit back and think what reality was I in at the time?
Back here in the real world where I belong, where I have control over the things controllable I realized that daydreaming and wishful thinking is not for me. I need to step back and not see things from only my point of view, I need to stand outside, Yes I need to stand on the outside looking in, taking a look at the big picture and not the sections that appeal to me as it can be dangerous and blinding, delusional even.
Sometimes you can not see that any amount of work will not to get you through the door, totally oblivious, irrational thoughts, mindless moments, reckless reactions feelings the illusion of lust, the impression of passion then the reflection it was all insanity, make believe, one sided.
Seeing things clear-cut, not in a haze, things being clarified, many things, everything.
Lets boil this down apprehensible truths.